I would hope everyone in the world would be blessed with a kind and loving family and the privilege of bearing children but it is not so and often it is not because they were not able but because they have chosen otherwise. I've been thinking about how much change has come over my lifetime in regard to sexuality. Some of that change has been good and some has been out and out bad.
When I was young, sex was just not discussed. The lack of discussion gave it an element of naughtiness. And lack of discussion certainly didn't prepare you for marriage. Neither did it prepare you to have healthy discussions with your own children.
Fast forward to a world where you might think that sex is the most important thing in a person's life. You cannot escape it. It is in the media, in TV ads, in music, magazines, everywhere.
I actually heard an ad the other day for a new product that is for erectile dysfunction. It was a woman telling how she had decided to break up with her boyfriend because he had ED. But then they heard about this new product and it changed everything. She was so grateful that she stayed because she never knew sex could be this good and look what she would have missed! No concern at all for who the young man was and any particular feelings about him(:
I was in my doctor's office not long ago at one of the Henry Ford Medical clinics and picked up a medical magazine to read. I thought it would be better than reading People Magazine.
The featured article was "The Advantages of Using Pornography and Sex Toys". Oh, my goodness, I was aghast as I realized that sex is now just a form of self-indulgence and play. It has nothing to do with marriage and home and family.
So I sat and thought about this world we live in. There is something so wrong here. Here is a good example. In a day and age where everyone understands what sex is all about and where birth control is available cheaply and even free to most, you would think there would be few unplanned pregnancies. Yet global statistics report that in 2018 - 23% of pregnancies ended in abortion - or for every 33 live births that took place there were 10 abortions.
In the United States the per cent of children born "out of wedlock" is 40%; the vast majority of these children being raised by a single parent. The statistics on co-habitation are more difficult to find but we know there are many who choose to live together without marrying.
So now let's talk about the church and about covenants and eternal commitments. I believe the Lord who has totally committed His life to us, is trying to teach us that our families and our relationships are so important that we must learn to bind these relationships with covenants and promises. Even more than that, all of our actions and interactions should be bound by such commitments and promises.
In our homes as well as our work places and our social places, honesty and trust are essential. An LDS home begins with a temple marriage - a sealing for time and all eternity. Why? Why not let us test the waters and see if we are compatible and then say "This looks great. Let's be sealed for eternity."
I think it is because covenants and promises and commitments guide our actions and lead us to act in ways that support these covenants. We grow into committed, covenant making people by the very act of making those promises. We become persons of integrity as we align our actions to our covenants.
Our lives in the church are defined by the covenants we make and there is a natural growth within each of us as we strive to understand and honor those covenants.
Contrast that to the world around us where self gratification is more important than making and keeping commitments and promises.
Now think for a minute about pornography and its dual evils of self sexual gratification and the depersonalization of another. It is a hollow and empty act that tries to offer what only a happy and committed relationship can bring. It becomes addictive because it can never satisfy.
Speaking of pornography Jeffrey R Holland wrote: "It defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality - the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever."
His whole article, "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul", is so beautiful as it describes what a wonderful thing true love is and how the Lord wants us all to experience that. What is there in life when all is said and done- or even as life itself is ending - that really matters other than our family?
So what then about same sex attraction and our whole LGBTQ population? From the LDS church web page on same sex attraction I quote:
"We may not know precisely why some people feel attracted to others of the same sex, but for some it is a complex reality and part of the human experience."
Than from the website vanderbilt.edu/lgbtqi/resources/definitions I quote:
"Not all men who engage in same gender sexual behavior identify as gay, and as such this label should be used with caution."
I find these quotes interesting because we know that there are those who genuinely experience same sex attraction and we don't fully understand that phenomenon. But we also live in a cultures where sexual behavior is idolized and erotic feelings are normalized and sexual behaviors have few mores. It is difficult to grow up in such a culture and understand your own sexual feelings.
Some friends shared that they went to a book review with the author of a book about grief. They have had to deal with their own grief at the loss of a teenage son. The author of the book is the director of the funeral home that did the arrangements for their son.
The story line of the book concerns a middle aged man whose wife had recently died. He has been counseling with his clergyman and trying to work through his grief. Then one evening the clergyman calls and says "I've been thinking of you all day. I know just what will make you feel better. I'll pick you up at 8 and we'll head to a gay bar I know. A little fun tonight will do you good."
This is the problem I see in our society today. Sexuality is so confused. It's purpose is confused. It's means are confused. It has totally been separated from marriage. It has become recreation- a way to have fun, forget your problems. And once all that has happened, then it is accepted that you can seek a night of pleasure at a gay bar to help you forget your grief over the death of your wife.
How in all this confusion do we help our children? How do we help those who truly do experience same sex attraction and for whom a traditional marriage would be a sham?
The church has grappled with this for years. For a long time it was believed that through counseling those same sex attractions would be "cured". That is no longer believed. We accept the reality of the attractions. So what had the church then said?
They ask all members of the church to abide by the same rules of conduct regarding sexual behavior. We covenant in the temple to live the law of chastity which means that we will engage in sexual behaviors only with our husband or wife to whom we are legally and lawfully married. The church also defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman.
So like all single men and women in the church who are attracted to the opposite sex; those who are single and attracted to the same sex are encouraged to refrain from all sexual experiences while they remain single.
Will the LDS someday allow same sex marriage? I don't know. What I do know is that we who are hetero-sexual tend to be repulsed by same sex attraction and we are therefore judgmental of our brothers and sisters who have this orientation. That is our problem and we need to fix it. We cannot judge someone because of something they cannot change. And we need to be compassionate and own that our judgmental thoughts destroy compassion.
The one thing I know for sure- and this I really know- is that our Heavenly Parents and our Savior love us very much. We are supposed to be trying our best to be like them. My challenge in life is to be totally loving of others- no matter their circumstances. I pray that my response to those of same sex attraction will reflect such love and that I will always be inclusive of all others.
And I would hope that as we address any of the issues that our culture has created because of our confusion over sexual mores, that we do so lovingly. And there are many issues that need to be addressed.
I truly believe that the world would be a much better place if all mankind lived the law of chastity, honored marriage and family, and were faithful and loving spouses who were totally committed by covenant and promises to those family ties.
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Now I would like to share the story of a favorite cousin. It was 1965 when this young man announced to his parents that he was gay and he had a friend he wanted them to meet. His mother was devastated. His dad was angry but decided to study this out and learn what he could. It took a while but this uncle of mine finally announced that although he still did not understand, he could accept this.
My cousin's friend and life partner is a professional musician whose career was in church music. He is an accomplished pianist and organist. My cousin was a teacher and advocate of the arts who for 25 years volunteered at the Detroit institute of Arts. (The DIA). After the Vietnam war ended, these two men brought 4 Vietnamese orphaned boys into their home and raised them. They have 6 grandchildren. They are loved by their family, friends and church community. They spent 53 years together until this cousin of mine passed away.
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Knowing these two has caused me to believe there is something more here we don't understand. I love and admire these two men because we share so many of the same values. They are men who lives were devoted to each other and to their families, church, and community. I honor them for the people they are and the lives they chose to live.
By contrast, I sorrow for any who are pulled into the crazy promiscuous, undisciplined lifestyles we see all around us. It breaks my heart. And I believe so strongly in the importance of our families that I can understand why someone would call those promiscuous and undisciplined lifestyles "devilish distortions". I myself might choose other words. I would prefer to call them "cheap counterfeits" because all who practice them are settling for less than what the Lord would like us to have. They are being cheated by a world who has forgotten its Creator and His plan for our happiness.
I don't have all the answers and I can't predict the future. But I can base my life on principles that I have learned bring happiness and that is exactly what I have been trying to do. I have found those principles in the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. I should be happy if those who know me could just say that I was a woman of covenant who was devoted to her family and was true to the principles she believed in.
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